Team Fortress Gone Wild

These are the writings and observations of a Behavioral scientists studying and attempting to civilise a Chimpanzee. Each experiment uses a game and offers the chimp the chance to learn through the virtual platform  and get a general understanding of his behaviour and the species. ”Project Uncivil Chimp”


Experiment No.2 – Team Fortress 2


Today’s experiment focused on the uncivil chimp’s ability to deal with stress, therefore he was placed in an environment with multiple pressures and requirements that he could not achieve, this is due to his inexperience with FPS games and the fact that he’s a chimpanzee with multiple psychological problems. I very briefly explained the concept of Team fortress by outlining the different game modes and only one of the nine playable classes, which obviously had to be the engineer.


The chimp quickly grasped the controls for the engineer and built his turret, dispenser and teleporters with great efficiency but the placement of his buildings was clearly not planned. He believed the dispenser was a type of defensive wall that would deflect bullets/missiles, the turret was usually built last and was rarely facing the right way. The teleporters were located either next to each other or with the entrance being closer to the enemies spawn points. Therefore when his teammates used them they ended up further away from the skirmishes and this resulted in some disgusting insults referring to the chimps’ mother, his reply was “Well your mommas so fat that even Dora couldn’t explore her!”.

The chimps only enjoyment form TF2 was actually completing his buildings and he was completely ignorant of the score or his k/d ratio.. After attempting to enter the battles and set up buildings he was shot in the head numerous times, this was due to fact that he didn’t know the squidley-squid technique. A death from a sniper shot was quickly followed by the entire observing members of staff scream ‘Boom Headshot’ and laughing hysterically at the chimp.tf2-d

These incidents of ‘banter’ towards the chimp were mainly done to ensure he would experience what was commonly know as “Gamer-Rage” (it was also seriously funny pissing him off). The initial deaths weren’t having the affect we wanted so a new factor was introduced this of course was an engineers’ nemesis, the spy.

After finally reaching his destination the chimp created his base and was happily camping when a sudden device was placed on each building, the electrical sparks were causing the buildings to lose health and the chimp didn’t know what to do. after a brief moment of uncontrollable laughter and his confused expression I pointed out that the wrench can remove these devices and then he could repair the buildings, this was an obvious trap that he walked straight into and eventually rewarded him with a knife in the back.


Research has shown that when a person experiences “Gamer-Rage” their testosterone levels in the blood will raise by 1000%. The moments after the spy killed the chimp are difficult to describe, it started with some poorly suppressed giggles from members of staff and then a terrifying silence. It reminded me of the scene at the start of 28-days later when the hippies try to save the chimps that were tested on. The uncivil chimp put the keyboard through the monitor, he then picked up the monitor ,howling the whole time, threw the device at the observation window shattering it. He then jumped through the broken window and beat a member of staff’s head in with his clipboard and yelled “Boom Headshot!”.


Future experiments should avoid any factors and take into consideration all probabilities that could possibly lead to the uncivil chimp experiencing “Gamer-Rage” again otherwise he will have to be put-down (this would make me very sad as training a chimp to use a computer is seriously time consuming). Apart from the obvious negative outcomes of this experiment like having to repair the observation window and installing a new computer (oh and that staff member that died, i think his name was Steve or Alan) the experiment was a great success and the data we recorded will make considerable contributions to teasing animals in the future.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s